Anger and frustration are two natural feelings in a relationship that may be triggered by many things. However, utter dismay is probably the primary and biggest cause. You simply cannot understand why your partner has done such a thing. Although inevitable, these emotions can be controlled and managed.
David Schnarch in his excellent book “Passionate Marriage” outlines four steps to follow to self-regulate when the heat is on.
Separate yourself (in your head, not necessarily physically) from the situation – you may be in a stressful situation or conflict but you are still separate from it.
When your partner is mad at you, the most natural reaction is to take it personally. This will result in an emotional reaction from you which just spirals into a cycle of each becoming reactionary to the other’s reactivity. Taking a minute to look at the situation as though you were an outsider looking in, can give you space to realise that you don’t need to be caught up in the emotions of another.
Not reacting also takes some pressure off your partner by not adding layers to the reactionary cycle. This is far more likely to result in your partner calming than would be the case if they feel stuck in the place of needing to attack or defend.
Take the time (even if only seconds) to deliberately calm your breathing and slow down your thinking.
When we are in a conflict situation our primal response is often one of the fight, flight, or freeze. Any of these responses are somewhat automatic – we are not usually choosing them; they are just happening. By taking a few seconds to deliberately breathe, we give ourselves back the power of choice. Ultimately, the only person we have the power to control is ourselves so taking time to deliberately calm our breathing and slow our thinking is a skill which makes us feel back in control rather than ambushed by another.
Telling an angry partner to, “Please calm down,” usually only escalates their emotional state. Taking time to breathe and think allows you to focus on managing your own anxiety and emotions.
Look objectively at the situation and make a grounded response.
Now that you are in control of your own emotions rather than both raging in the cycle of reactivity, you are in a position of make a grounded response. Sometimes this may mean conceding a point, other times it may mean engaging in conversation to problem solve, often it means acknowledging your partner’s pain and setting a time when both of you are calm to come back to the topic. It isn’t usually the situations that cause irreputable damage so much as the meaning we give to the situations. When both of you are calm it is a whole lot easier for you both to see and understand situations from a common perspective.
Understand that speedbumps are not brick walls and you have reasons to endure through uncomfortable experiences.
When you are in the middle of the conflict it’s hard to see the bigger picture. There is no denying that relationship conflict is difficult. However, there are lots of reasons you are in your relationship and there are lots of reasons to persevere. Many people live believing that the primary purpose of being in relationship is to make them happy. While happiness in relationship is obviously a good thing and to be sort after, what if happiness was more of a by-product than an end goal? Schnarch suggests that the primary purpose of human beings being in relationship is for our own growth and development – i.e., for making us better not just happy. Needless to say, two people who are one a journey of becoming better together will also most likely also experience happiness.
Would you benefit by booking an anger management counselling session?
Being in a relationship can be hard and it can easily feel too difficult to maintain. Sometimes, when issues arise, the feelings of anger and frustration become so big and so much of a burden that you can no longer think clearly. Worse, these painful emotions can spill over so they impact on all of your daily activities.
Before you reach this point, it is wise to opt for a relationship counselling session on the Sunshine Coast with Strength and Strategies Counselling Services. Relationship counsellors can give you expert advice on what to do to be able to control and manage your anger and frustration.
It’s never wrong to seek counsel. Rather than waiting until you are so overwhelmed you can’t cope, seek help from a professional counselling service.